Staking Out Your Inner Energy Vampire

Have you ever heard a comic or a speaker and in the first five minutes, you already feel like you need a nap, or a drink, or even someone to make your final arrangements -- because you’re literally going to die of boredom?

In college, I had a few professors who left me snoring, but I’ve seen lectures since where speakers raise boring the audience to an absolute art form.  (It’s a very strange talent.)
 

How do they do it?  Is it their subject matter?  Their way of speaking?  (Bueller?  Anyone?  Anyone?)  Or is it something about who they are?

If you want to get paid for speaking, you need to have clear answers as to how these speakers cause their audiences to lose interest at light speed -- so you can do exactly the opposite.

As part of my research for my book (“The Message of You”), I wanted to find those answers for you – so I watched a lot of professional and amateur speakers (both live and on video) to see how they told their signature stories.  Some of those speakers were entertaining and inspiring; others opened their mouths and sucked the energy right out of the room as if they were vampires in the Twilight series. 

There was one main difference between the two types of speakers: narcissism.

If the reason you open your mouth in front of others is because you need attention, you can instantly turn yourself into an energy vampire.  How? You aren’t speaking to share something with the audience that helps them, or is on the topics that they want to hear about.  Instead, you’re talking about what interests you, with the goal of using their attention to feed your starving ego.  That might feel great (for you) for a minute or two, but as people stop paying attention, fall asleep, or even get up and leave – at some point even the most clueless speaker should realize that something isn’t working.

People often assume that what they have to say about themselves and their own thoughts, experiences, and feelings is always interesting.  Maybe that’s because they can recline on a couch in an office and talk to a nodding therapist who will hang on every word for sixty minutes.  But -- unless you’re paying each member of your audience $150 an hour (like the therapist is getting) – don’t expect the same reaction.

Imagine that same therapist is working for free, and has three options of what to do with an hour:

1. Answer a phone call from a travel agent with answers about an Australia trip the therapist has been itching to take.
2. Go down the hall to a lecture on “How to double your medical practice income”
3. Listen to someone babble on for an hour with dozens of examples of how their younger sister always got more attention, and how that is the reason for every conceivable disaster in the last two decades, from failed marriages to Hurricane Katrina.

It’s not hard to guess that option 3 is never going to be picked... but it’s amazing how many speakers start telling stories with no thought about what is – or isn’t – something of interest to the listener.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell personal stories, or open up about your thoughts, experiences, and feelings onstage.  That sharing and vulnerability makes it possible to connect more deeply with your audience… but only if you include them in the process, and even more importantly – they, not you, become the main focus.

If you’re saying, “I” “me” or “my” too much, you’re on the wrong track, especially if you’re talking about problems:

“The other kids teased me” …  “People at work wouldn’t listen to my ideas” … “I never got my Christmas pony!”

If you sound like “Debbie Downer” – complaining without offering solutions -- your audience is going to tune out. You’ll see it in their faces, and in their body language if you pay attention, because audiences are ALWAYS giving you feedback. But, if you don’t see their signals, you can always just ask. 

“By a show of hands, how many of you would like to hear why I felt unloved as I child?”

“Okay, and now, how many of you would like to know instead why YOU felt unloved as a child, and how you can overcome those lingering feelings of self doubt in way that will give you the confidence to change your life?

Changing the focus to make the story about your audience – and what they care about -- can make a huge difference.

Audiences – and amateur performers -- are a lot like the people in a therapist’s office; their favorite topic is themselves.  What a successful speaker has to remember – is that the focus always needs to be on whoever is paying the bill.

Using Your Message to Land a Job

I learned a lot about what it takes to get a job by being on the hiring side of the interview desk.  Not too long ago, I put in an ad for a project manager.  Very quickly, I received over 1,000 resumes – and it made me think about how tough it must be for a job seeker to stand above the sheer volume of competition in this difficult economy.

I assumed it would take a long time to narrow the search down with so many applicants – but it didn’t.  So I hope I can help those of you who are looking right now by sharing the things that thinned out the herd – and that made some candidates really shine.

THE GREETING

If I’m hiring someone to be a project manager, they’re going to be writing and sending emails on my behalf.  So, how they addressed me in their query letter gave me a sense of how they might approach my clients.  But -- you’d be surprised how many people began with, “To Whom It May Concern” or “Dear Madam/Sir.”

Maybe it was really hard to find out the name of someone with a website called judycarter.com – or from the email address that had my first name in it.  Or -- maybe they knew my name, but were being really careful not to offend me (just in case Judy is a he.)

Granted, I know you have to be a little careful with a business owner named Pat or Gene -- but how often is someone named “Judy” a sir?  If you’re that cautious, working with a comedian is clearly the wrong line of work for you.  You blew it.  (600 down, 400 left to go.) 

MAKING IT PERSONAL

In this age of Google everything, you can certainly find out anything about the person or company on the other side of the interview.  So, my next step was seeing if applicants took the time to research the history of my company and my personal life -- and were smart enough to mention something in the letter to show me that they did.

Guess what?  Most people didn’t.  (300 more gone; 100 left.)  Out of the original 1,000, only 10% even took the time to go to my website.  Since they were already online (the application wasn’t in a newspaper) – it would have only taken a few clicks.  If you’re that lazy – do you really expect anyone (other than a relative or the French government) to hire you?

A form letter isn’t going to get you a job.  Take the time to do a little research and make it specific to the opportunity.  You have the time.  (Or, spend your days customizing your parent’s basement so it’s truly a home; it’s your call.)

IT’S ABOUT THEIR MESSAGE  

If I could attribute one thing that is the key secret to my financial success in an industry where only 5% of SAG/AFTRA (the performer’s unions) members are above the poverty level, it’s about letting go of “me” and focusing on “you.”

People who aren’t making a living at what they love to do have more excuses than dollar bills.  “It’s age, sex, race, discrimination, and it’s a tough market.”

No, those aren’t the factors that make the final cuts.  What employers care most about is how well you fit in with their values.  Your credentials might get you in the door, but how well what you stand for matches up with your potential employer is the thing that will get you the job. 

One of my coaching clients shared with me how he scored a job on Broadway by using a technique from my new book, “The Message of You.” In the last chapter of the book, I encourage my reader to listen, mirror, and acknowledge other people’s messages.  My client, David, went into the interview having done extensive research on not only what the employer had done -- but also on what he stood for: the employer’s message.

Going into the interview, instead of giving the typical “why I’m so great” speech, David started with, “I believe that there are three things that I see as your message.”  And, after listing them, he continued, “… and here is how we can fit together.”

He got the job.

We all want to work with, date, and marry people who “get” us.  When Felicia (the very last person I interviewed) came in to meet with me, she not only knew what I did, but WHY I did it.  (That level of understanding is invaluable.)  She showed me her organizational prowess, and how she could help me do what I do better.  She got the job.

Do you know your message? Do you express it in a way that is clear – and quick?  And -- do you know how it fits with the message of the person or company who is interviewing you?

If you don’t – start doing your homework now.  Or -- go shop for some cool posters for that basement.

Judy Goes Back to College

After a week of American tragedy, people might wonder about the younger generation.  Are they really violent and disenfranchised?

No.

I just got back from teaching for a week at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) in Richmond, and working with these young students gave me hope. 

I had two responsibilities in the classes that I taught: to help students go from no act to a full standup act in preparation for a comedy showcase, and to assist graduating seniors in the drama department find their message.  I had 4 days.

They astonished me with their openness and willingness to reveal the dark messes of their lives, and turn those into a message and find the funny in it.  They revealed overcoming eating disorders, coming out to Bible Belt parents, and reaching out to alienated family members.

They got real, got personal, and came out of the class realizing what they stand for.  We talked at the end about how to use their message on job interviews, auditions, and speaking.  After all, when we get out of college, we all have limited credentials.  At that point in our life, the only thing we truly have is our message, and our value is in how we use that message to affect others.

I’ve found that as people get older, sometimes getting in touch with the past “messes” in our life is harder than pulling teeth.  Perhaps it’s because the more distant we get from those painful memories in our lives, the less comfortable it is to relive them.  Yet, this group of young students revealed all with utter authenticity, and the willingness to share and inspire others with their messages.

I can’t wait for the images of disturbed, violent youth to be replaced with young people like these who are truly willing to make a difference in other people’s lives.

Not a Good Week for Comedy

But, the terrorists win when we stop meeting together, when we stop celebrating our triumphs, and when we focus on their message – and forget our own.

The Boston marathon bombing overshadowed a remarkable triumph from the parents of Newtown as they came out in public to speak their life lessons.  They wanted to help prevent their tragedy from happening to any other parents, and to make a difference by sharing their experience.

And that’s exactly what they did.

One of the parents, David Wheeler, who spent over 20 years in film and television acting while living in New York City, lost his son, Benjamin in the shootings.  When he appeared on “60 Minutes” with the other parents, he spoke as eloquently as if he were a great leader with a staff of brilliant writers.  He asked American parents to, “…literally find a mirror in your house and look in it and look in your eyes and say, 'This will never happen to me. This will never happen in my school. This will never happen in my community,' and see if you actually believe that.  And if there is a shadow, the slightest shadow of doubt about what you said, think about what you can do to change that -- in your house, in your community, in your school, in your country -- because we have an obligation to our children to do this for them. It's going to happen again... And every time it's somebody else's school, it's somebody else's town, it's somebody else's community, until one day you wake up and it's not."

President Obama then asked David's wife, Francine, who’s a music teacher and performer, to take the president’s place for the weekly radio address to the nation.  And what were the results?

It made people accountable. At least they stopped the filibuster and made the senate take a vote. But it's not the end. When people are willing to speak their message and take a stand, change is possible.

When events like the Boston bombing happen, it’s because evil people are willing to do something horrific to draw attention to their message.  But don’t let them succeed.  Don’t lose focus on the positive messages that exist, and what we can do to fight back.

Take the time to find your own message, and speak it from the heart.  You can make a difference – but only if you make the choice to do it.

Please click here to hear for Wheeler’s MSNBC clip and here to watch the first part of the 60 Minutes special.

You can't spell "MESSAGE" without "M-E-S-S"

We've all had painful things happen to us: rotten childhoods, financial disasters, and a final episode of LOST that was a complete disappointment.

Conventional wisdom has said that we need to get over it, snap out of it, or just move on.

But it isn't always that easy. In my own life I've tried having my head shrunk, chanting some "oms", having my "energy" adjusted with Reiki, and I've explored a variety of pharmaceutical options ranging from ones that "take the edge off" to "where did two days go?"

Still, I wake up in the middle of the night fretting about something painful someone did to me years ago, or something stupid I did to someone else, or about those inexplicable bad things that just happen. It's hard to let go of the past.

But -- there was one thing I didn't try (until recently) to do with the messes of my life: appreciate them.

How do you appreciate something that hurts? When I stopped and examined my life, I found that the messes in my life were usually the turning points that lead me to the successes.

"The Message of You" Workshop coming to San Francisco Sunday, May 5, 2013.

When I taught standup comedy, I'd always get a few students who had what most people would consider wonderful lives, with no rejection, no frustrations, and no failures. They had happy families, lucrative careers, expensive cars - you name it. But for comedy purposes - their lives sucked. They just weren't that interesting - or funny - to most people, because most of us live lives of constant struggle. We don't want to hear someone else moan about how hard it is to find a reliable chauffeur. These students often experienced their very first big failure in life in trying to connect with an audience of regular people to make them laugh.

Last year I went through a depressing, debilitating mid-life crisis. (Well, given my age, I guess I should call it an "end of life" crisis.) I was sweating the big stuff and the small stuff: wondering about the meaning of my life, questioning my marriage, and feeling like I'm a bad person because I own a Prius -- but always drive the SUV instead.

All of that pondering and wondering lead to my book, "The Message of You."

I learned it's only through pain that we ever really learn anything. That's why when I give a speech, the first thing I do is make the audience aware of their pain. If you ask most people if they would be happy if their lives never changed - chances are their answer is no. What causes them pain -- is exactly the clue they need of what needs to be different.

So, last week when I shared this notion of examining our messes for meaning at a benefit for Safe House during my keynote in Palm Springs - two women shared with me that there were going through cancer treatment, and listening to me speak helped them realize the possibility of a message in what was happening to them. That realization empowered them, in that, despite their illness, they have power over finding that message, and sharing insights and experiences in a way that might help others facing the same difficulties.

So - take time to really examine your own messes; you just might find gifts of strength, renewed faith, or a message to help others. Or -- at the very least -- you may find direction in where your life needs to go next.